Killian and I just got home, it's 1:14am. He, once again, enjoyed the attention and sea of red at the Pub Crawl's last stop. We like to bring him out to draw the raffles and meet those that are still hanging on, hoping he realizes the impact he has on them and they on he...
The drive home was nice. Seemed awfully long. He passed out half way through as I expected, giving me time to think. Every time I looked in my mirror I saw his chubby cheeks pulling his head down, to the side. It reminded me of when he was just a newborn, and then I realized how far he's come. All that he's been through. And at 5 years old, he really is just a baby still. A baby that gets to go to some bars twice a year....I'm not running for Mom of the year, it's okay.
Since our first crawl last September, I've tried to prep myself for this one. I gather everyone to make a little speech as to why we're doing what we do, give them a little more insight into our lives and experiences with food allergies - kind of a crash course, hoping they can pass the word to curious passers by. Well, last time I could barely compose myself as I stood and saw 60 shirts with "KILLIAN" on them. I didn't want to be weak like that again. I feel I'm entitled to the weakness sometimes, but not in front of 60 close friends and strangers. I don't like to show any weakness - ever, so naturally I had to get a grip on that. I think I did tonight. I yelled as best I could (about 30 people this time, a great turnout) with my little voice, unsure if the crowd could hear me. Then I saw glassy eyes, red faces, some crying. I think they heard me just fine. At that moment I realized I've become numb to it. The past, the risk, his story. I'm the one crying when I hear from parents losing their children, or almost losing them, from things far worse than allergies. Now I'm that parent. In my own hell. In my own "why us? You really think we can handle this?" Please don't mistake this for some comparison to things I dare not mention. Just realizing if strangers hear Killian's story and cry...why can't I?
Our last stop we made an announcement, I gave a 2 sentence background on Killian and said we'd be in back if anyone wants to donate, buy a shirt or enter the raffles. A man came back, asked me more about Killian's allergy; what kind, what does it do to him? He said "it's makes his throat swell up?" - "Yup" as I shook my head at him. He rubbed my arm, said "God bless" and walked away...with his new shirt. I'm not looking for pity, none of us are. It's just these little moments happened all night and they stung. I felt them. I felt the pain and fear again that I somehow became numb to. Not sure if that's good or not, I don't want to fall apart as I try to educate others on the subject. It's not like I'm so numb that we're not prepared or don't think another reaction could happen. It's kind of like the California earthquakes....you're expecting a big one, it's due, you just don't know when and pray to God you get through it.
Once again we met some amazing people; giving donations, buying our shirt, asking for an allergist, asking for a group to join on FB, asking for friends with food allergic children - so they can empower themselves more when they're around them.
We had friends bring friends, who brought donations from friends that couldn't make it. People really care. It's not just for a fun night of drink discounts or a free shirt.
A woman stopped me and asked about a Facebook group to join. Quickly I fumbled for a pen and paper as she apologized. My exact words were "Why apologize, this is why we're here!" *Note for next crawl: have pamphlet info to give*
It's always seemed, to me at least, most people don't get involved in benefits or supporting causes until they are directly affected by it. We didn't know much at all about food allergies until Killian was a baby. We certainly didn't realize the variety of foods one can be allergic or the amount of different reactions. Albany has proven me wrong. More strangers we met tonight, came out to support our cause and Killian. I love the excitement everyone has at the end of the night, when they hear he's arrived! He's our little miracle and everyone embraces him.
Thank you SO much everyone for coming out tonight!!! There will be a thousand more thoughts before my head hits the pillow but it's time for rest. Just wanted to get this out before I lost it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! We love you all, you never cease to amaze us!
AND WE FORGOT A GROUP PICTURE :( crud.
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